February 20th, 2003 - "uh oh livejournal breakthru"

i am listening to led zepplin.. and yes.. you guessed it.. thinking about things. it's 2:35 am on a thursday morning. i am listening to stairway to heaven and this song reminds me of dave. not all of you know of dave, which is fine, but some of you do. i don't know why it hurts so much that he is back with his ex-girlfriend. i mean i loved dave, but i wasn't in love with dave. i think my problem is that i was trying to protect him from whatever it was that put him in his ant-social mode, which was her. she had everything to do with dave's depression and switching schools and everything. i was there for him thru all of it and it seems like he cared sometimes, but it was quite rare. we never really talked, we just smoked and laughed together. it was lame but it was comforting. i liked knowing that i was his best friend at the time. now i am nothing to him and he thinks that is just fine. i don't know what i did. i am perplexed. i swear i have an expiration date.. where guys think i am great up until a certain point, and then they want nothing to do with me. i mean i would like to think i am as great a person as everyone makes me out to be, but if i am.. then why do people constantly wanna see me hurt? i don't get it...

i don't usually have pity parties. i feel like there is no one that can truly understand me right now, and i felt so compelled to talk about it cuz it is eating me alive, so i had to resort to livejournal.

this isnt like me, i feel like i have joined the emo day parade. i am on the feel bad for me float and i cant seem to get off...

its not just dave ya know.. its everyone. it started with josh in freshman year. i mean he says i was a good girlfriend (or back then he did).. and then it was like... oops times up amanda..? he even cried days after we broke up but just couldnt bring himself to come back to me..i mean i really must suck. then there was eddie.. he was similar to josh but for some reason i fell harder for him and it was even a shorter period of time and everything.

i just wanna know how i manage to have so many friends that say i'm beautiful and wonderful and all that.. but yet they are lying straight to my face? i mean i love all you guys but when something isnt true your not helping me out but lying to me about it. i mean clearly if i was all you people say i am i would all in all be a much happier person.

i like to pretend i am always okay because i dont really like people to feel uncomfortable around me. i dont like poeple to think all i do is whine about my life. i dont want people to think i have joined the emo day parade.. i think this is a cry for help and i am not liking it much.. lol... just kidding about the cry for help thing! no one freak out.

i just hope everyone finds happiness. all of you deserve it. in your own ways there is something that will come back to all of you, and it will be wonderful. and i mean soon.. i don't mean someday. hell, most of you are either on your way, or all set.. i admire you guys.

i like how people think they wouldnt be where they are today with out me. thats not true guys. you all made it here yourselves, i just happened to be around. if anything i corrupted you all and added problems to your daily life that u coulda gone without. i mean after all i am already feeling shitty about ruining some of you... damn peer pressure.

i dont know what to say. i guess there is so much i cant even bring myself to type anymore. there is so much i coudl say rigt now. so much i think about but dont say to anyone, cuz i dont want anyone to worry about me. i am fine guys, screwing up on my own. i have decided that the perfect phrase to describe me is "things have never been so swell, i have never failed to fail." cuz its totally true. even when i try, i amaze myself.. maybe its just in my genes.. who knows?

i realized when i was tripping last week that i cant live like this anymore. but the sad thing is there is nothing i wanna do to improve. i mean i could lose weight, go to bed early, quit drugs and drinking, go to class religiously, get a job.. but i just dont want to.. i just wanna go back to where things are familiar and drive my car and hang out with my friends and just feel like i belong again... oh my god this entry makes me wanna kick my own ass...

i hope to god none of you got this far, and if u truly did, u are a true friend.. but kinda sick... i am just venting so no one should really pay attention. but i feel better so maybe i will start updating more.. who knows? i am a random sole.. peace out bitches its now 3am and i am thinking a little sleep may clear the mind further.. <3>