May 27th, 2005 - "here it is"

friday. may 27th. the day i have been dreading for months and months. keegan leaves at 2am tonight/tomorrow morning. 16 days. its a long fucking time to be away from someone that you have not been apart from for more than 4 days in the past year. im not even used to waking up and having him not be there for one night... nevermind 15 lonely nights. it makes me feel physically ill. its like i feel like we are breaking up or something... it sucks. he called me at 4am this morning on his way home from work, cuz he realized, thru all his excitement about this trip- it just dawns on him how much he is gonna miss me and how hard this is gonna be. luckily i have awesome friends, so it will take my mind off it sometimes. briana is supposed to stay with me while he is gone. i really hope she does. crash dieting starts monday. im sorta excited. i got monday off paid- meaning i can get wasted at kendricks sunday night. hopefully someone will drive me home. someone thats not drunk themselves.

on the brighter point me and keegan found an apartment yesterday. we really like it. we really want it. i thought it would be ghetto cuz its in dennisport, but its all cleaned and painted. its got a HUGE living room... coat closet... good sized kitchen and place for a kitchen table... gorgeous blue colored bathroom... and get this- the bedroom is even bigger than the master bedroom at blueberry lane! its on the bottom floor, so the laundry is close, cuz its just below us. there is also a storage closet downstairs.. i guess its small, but we could use all the storage we can get. best part is that its only 875/mo including all utilities, even cable! its in that apartment complex thing right by that big summer church on upper county road. the bitch was supposed to fax me rental applications this morning and hasnt yet. i have to call her soon to make sure she does that. i hate responsibilities.

im listening to muse right now. jens right when she says its not as good as the "time is running out" song, but im really quite into them nonetheless. download it from me people.

today i go to see my bio father, the wife, and the kids. its paige's 2nd birthday. im bringing keegan to meet steven. should be interesting. im gonna see family i havent seen in like 15 years so thats gonna be pretty fucked. me and jen went shopping for size 4T clothes for paige yesterday. oh my god it was the cutest thing i have ever shopped for. it took me forever and i had to keep reminding myself that it wasnt my kid i was buying for, and i will probably never see her in these clothes. i finally decided on a little skirt and shirt set that said sweetie on the front with some strawberries... a little pair of fuzzy fila shorts... and an adorable little sundress... im excited about it. after steven's tonight, since we are gonna be in the area, im also taking keegan to meet my friend renee. we arent really gonna hang out, just smoke a bowl together. i love that girl. then its off to spend the weekend at ryan's house. its really gonna be ridiculous how much of a mess im gonna be this weekend. and i honestly apologize to everyone in advance. i hate crying. and i know im gonna do it. bad. ew.

i attempted to have dinner at my parents house last night. unfortunately my family is such a mess that they cant along long enough to even make it to the dinner table without having to call the whole thing off. so yeah- wasted time. went to jen's with erin to have a laundry party instead. i didnt get to finish my towels.. and i didnt get to keegan's laundry at all. the bong hits in the bathroom really did me in. im just not as good of a smoker as i used to be. that too makes me physically ill.

i might get shumunk to come to ryan's house and hang out on saturday night. i havent asked ryan yet but i will liquor him up and tell him who's boss. i dont actually know if im gonna make it the whole weekend... but i packed accordingly with intention of doing so.

i made a new cd. before i downloaded the muse songs. so now i need to make another one. but i dont have enough songs for it. what the eff. i could always double up and put songs i already have on other cds... how unlike me.. hah. i have a headache. half hour till lunch break. have to go to jens and fold my towels that i left in her dryer. probably should stop and get a red bull or 2 since i havent had one in forever. i need to keep up energy tonight, especially if im gonna be smoking at like 10 at night. see, how sad is that. i have to caffeine up all day just to be able to smoke at night on a FRIDAY and stay awake. such a pass out club now.

i wanna go visit the katie's at fpc. sunday would be a good day to do it, but i would miss kendricks, and we cant have that now can we? fuck no. i look forward to that all week. provided the thug kids dont start stabbing people. if so- i have a knife now... lol. thanks bam ; ) never thought i'd own a weapon.

someone wanna do something awesome on monday? let me know. i never have weekdays off.

well i gutta go. i have nothing more of any importance to type about- not like any of this was remotely important anyway...

love you.