March 1st, 2005 - "it ain't over till its over"

sooo my life officially sucks again people. stop reading now if you dont wanna hear me whine. wah. wah. wah.
so lets see where do i begin. you all know that we are pretty much being forced to move outta my house on april 1st. now in case you didnt hear, i will give ya a brief run down. most of you know my ex roomate as a few things other than her actual name.. for instance.. crazy cunt.. psycho bitch... queen of hearts... and the like their of. well she has completely outdone herself. since her existance is so miserable, and has little to no chance of ever getting better, she decided to take as many people as she could down with her. i wasn't SO upset when i found out she stole my bong. i wasn't even THAT upset when i found out she was cancelling rent-a-center cuz she has no friends to come over and watch the tv. and i definetely wasn't so upset when i heard she was moving out after not talking to her for 9 days straight. but then she shut off our cable without telling anyone. im pretty sure that was the straw that broke the camels back. as if that wasnt enough. we made her pay februarys rent even tho she wasnt living there. why? cuz we had no fuckin notice she was moving out.. and there was no way all her shit was gonna be out by february first. so what did she do? she says she will pay the months rent, but that means she is leaving her shit in the house until the end of the month. whatever. also meaning i cannot move into that room. done purposely, obviously. found out she stole a buncha other shit from me, and me only. awesome. so she decides to leave all her shit in her room so i cant move my room, but takes EVERYTHING else out of the house that she owned.. right down to the fucking dish soap. but we got through. we figured everything would be fine cuz we had 3 weeks to find a lauren replacement. and we were pretty sure we had one. until... she decided that she would call the landlord and tell her that we were planning on having a 4th roomate. which isnt allowed. mind you, we have had a 4th roomate since we moved in, but the landlord didnt know. and it was fine with lauren cuz it meant she didnt have to pay the extra money. now that she was out, it was time to rat us out. so the landlord said she was gonna start doing checks to make sure there was no 4th person. well fuck. so that idea is out. and there is no way in fuck that erin and i can afford to pay 500+ with all the bills we have, AND still manage enough money to move out in july. so we are left with one option. bow out gracefully on april 1. this means, tho, that we have to pay laurens rent this month. at the most, i can afford 500.. briana can only afford 300.. and erin can only afford 500... so somehow we need to make up the difference.. great. it doesnt seem like a huge deal, right? wrong.
so here's my sitch:
$300 phone bill this month.
$250 car insurance bill.
$330 car payment.
$300 credit card bill.
$120 in utilities.
$500 in rent.
$100 i need to come up with somehow to pay laurens part of the rent.
$120 excise tax.
just found out im gonna owe the government about $1500 in taxes.
another flat tire.. making 2 in ONE WEEK.
oh yes and im overlooking one thing... food and gas. (ice coffee alone costs me about $30 a week, not to mention my red bull habit)
you gutta figure.. i need AT LEAST 150 bucks for that shit alone.
and a little thing we call a weed habit.. which would normally run me 100+ a week, now only about $45.
and then there are cigarettes... at least $20 a week.
and if i wanna have some fun on the weekend.. well it costs me at least 20 bucks for a bottle and some mixers.
i know i shouldnt complain since many of you have been or are in a similar situation, but the difference is.. i dont have anyone that can help me. i hope all of you know how lucky you are to have the kind of parents that are more than willing to help you, and can for that matter. the only person i know that could back me up is my grandmother, and after everything she has been through, she is the last person i will go to. i guess i got into this. i will get myself out.
why cant just one really good thing happen to me. then maybe i can see this "bright" side people are always talking about. ho hum.
looks like im gonna hafta take out a loan just to rent a place with ryan and keegan in july. cuz like i said, by any means necessary.
but then again... a lot can happen by july. good or bad.
and on that note. 2 guys found me on myspace yesterday. one i talked to online from 10am-4pm.. and the other one called (he lives in my town) and we chatted last night. they both wanna hang out this weekend since they are both local. they were nice. and it was nice being pursued.. but talking to other guys doesnt even phase me now. i used to be super excited about it, now it just makes me miss ryan and keegan more. its sick, i know. so what do i do about that? it appears that the answer to that question is: absolutely nothing. like i said before, something has got to give, and quick. or definetely before july. i dont know how much longer we can carry on like this. i wish it could be forever, but nothing is forever. ugh. i feel physically ill right now.
on the one brighter point i have to offer you all is that i saw chevelle in concert at lupo's in providence this weekend. it was well worth the 7 year wait. ryan and keegan and i got drunk on the way down... got slightly lost... got more drunk.. went in.. missed strata.. walked in during future leaders of america.. smoked butts... then crossfade came on.. pretty good.. then we got down in front and saw helmet. pretty intense. then chevelle followed. it was totally amazing. just as i expected, i dont usually get anything less than amazing when im hanging with da boyz.
this weekend was crazy tho. katie and dannielle came down from fpc. there was a lot of crazy sexual activity going on both nights. obstacle course was the talk of the weekend. im the only one who wouldnt do it. party pooper, i know. actually- ryan didnt do it either.
i woke up sat morning and found katie, zoe, and erin doing said obstacle course and drinking bloody mary's. who the fuck drinks those? gross. i find celery in a beverage to be quite unnecessary and frankly disgusting.
but i did move my room this weekend. just so i have more space to go thru my shit. i got a lotta flack for putting my bed the same place laurens was. no matter what, her bad vibes are everywhere, so get over it. i kinda wish things could go back.. to when i was still miserable, but things were so much less complicated. thanks to all you guys that have been there for me, you know i love all of you a lot. and im sorry im so unapproachable lately. so much is going on. i just need another month to get me on my feet. and its gonna be a fucking struggle. but if i can get thru this.. well, lets hope i can get thru this. <3>