June 28th, 2006 - "whacky wednesday"

i'm just mildly suicidal this week, don't mind me.

my career is pretty much coming to an end.
well, it's not completely determined yet, but for the most part.
my store is closing at the end of july.
we are so far in debt we can't even see the light anymore.
brenda keeps giving me these "maybe" and "if" offers to keep it running longer.
i'm done.
i'm done mostly because i can't be selfish anymore.
she bought the store so i wouldn't be out of a job.
now, for the first time in her 46-47 years of life, she is in credit card debt, they shut off our phones and internet temporarily the other day, she is taking money out of her personal account to pay us, and even sometimes to pay the consignors - and she isn't making a penny.
i can't do it to her anymore.
and i can't let tara sit there and make $9 an hour while i make $14... and struggle while i make it.
i didn't think the pay cut from $16 to $14 an hour would hurt me at all.
boy was i wrong.

so i made a resume.
i haven't made one of those since high school, literally.
and at that point, all i had to put on my resume was school related pretty much.
so i'm kinda in over my head.
i made a rough copy and gave it to brenda and my old boss rob for constructive criticism.
i posted it anyway, shouldn't waste any time.

a friend of rob's, carl, came in yesterday and pretty much offered me a job.
rob wasted no time getting my name out there.
he's fucking awesome, as always.
carl needs someone to manage one of his little antique/trinket shops in dennisport.
we didn't talk about how much i would make, but apparently i would get 20% of anything sold.
i don't know if that means i would just work on commission, or get paid too.
he wants someone he knows and trusts to run his store and deal with his money.
i have known him for about 2 years.
i worked with his sister at the auction house years ago, who works with carl now, and is also my friend ashton's mother.
i also know his other sister, since jen andrews lives with her, practically next to my house.
he also mentioned wanting to do ebay, and needing someone who knows it, to do it.
well that's def me, huh?
and it would be so much better to do it for him since it would be all his stuff, and we wouldn't have to get involved in writing checks for other people and whatnot.
the downside is i need to make a lot of money.
i kinda explained it to him.
basically said, i would love to work for you, but i am also going to have to keep looking, i need to make quite a bit of money to support my lifestyle.
he said there is room for growth and negotiation and all that.
so, we'll talk when i stop by and see him.
i got his digits yo.

regardless of that, i am gonna send my resume out as soon as i get some feedback on it.
i am probably going to have to work 2 part time jobs if i end up working for carl.
i can do 2 part times, but no way am i doing 2 full times, or a full time AND a part time, so blow THAT out your ass.
i know it's immature, but my social life is so important to me, it's what keeps me sane.
i see how miserable keegan is to have to work those 2 jobs.
no way will i do that to myself.

sacrifices need to be made.
what if i need a drug test?
i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't even know who i am without weed.
that sounds so sick to say.
but since i put that shit in my body, junior year of high school...
i haven't stopped a day since.
ok, maybe that 3 day period that i went to florida.
and i kinda started to go mental.
but whatev.

actually, the thing that scares me most is conformity.
i can't do it.
i've never been good at it.
i suck at being fake, being someone i'm not.
and i know that practically everyone has to do it, for a job's sake at least.
but i don't think i can.
i would start to hate myself.
there was only one job i was fired from.
it was my mother's cape cod cheer connection.
why, you ask?
because she told me to act a certain "peppy" way...
and i couldn't do it.
i don't have the "pep" in me.
i also don't have any nice clothes.
and i'm not exxagerating.
and to take off my jewelry... i won't even recognize myself.
god, i hope carl's shop is my new dream job, because i can go to work in my t-shirts, skirts, flip flops, and jewelry everyday.
probably stoned if i wanted to!
oy vey.
life.

ANYWAY...

tara is having a cookout today.
i thought i had something to do today.
can't remember for the life of me.
but as of now, i am working till 6, and i am going to the the cookout when i get outta here.
should be a good time.
she invited 2 kids from myspace.
they came over last night.
they are from franklin, of all places.
after meeting them, tara is gonna get that shirt that says "you look better on myspace."
all too appropriate.
but, alas, they'll be back tonight.
as will many others.
come one, come all.
byob.
good times to be had.

panic! at the disco on sunday night.
fucking stoked.
hate the dresdon dolls, but hopefully i will be too drunk to care.
next monday is gonna SUCK.
and not being able to go to ruxx & shaxx's party sucks even more.
i was stoked about it.
but it just isn't gonna happen for us.
hopefully soon though.

i better go now.
thanks friends.