i dont really know what i am doing right now. i am trying to balance singing outloud with typing and i dont think i am doing fantastic at it at this point.
so i guess this is an update and not just a quiz as usual.. hehe. umm things have been mucho shitty in my life, as usual. there have been a few good things in the last past few weeks, but nothing to outweigh bad.
first off a few weeks ago my mom flipped and kicked me outta the house. thats when i decided that instead of going home on spring break i was gonna spend it with my friend dannielle and her twin sister kristen. first we spent the weekend on cape, not too bad, we stayed at nan's shack. it was nice to have my own place. then on sunday we went to westchester county, ny, to dannielle and kristen's house... it was fun.. we got some cid.. but didnt take it yet...thursday we went to newport, ri and stayed at this amazing mansion of a house... finally dannielle's aunt left for maine and left us that house for the weekend.. staring thursday.. we were dogsitting...hehe.. friday night dj came up and we tripped face.. kristen didn't, she ain't into that shit... we smoked madd weed and i dont really know what else happened... OH YAH...
friday night right after i ate that cid jen called. her voice was queit and sympathetic all of a sudden when she said "amanda, you know dan rockwood killed himself right?" at first i thought she meant dan armstrong, and i dont even know him so i wasn't phased. then i realized. of course on the spot i was hysterical crying and whatnot. i tried to push it as far back into my mind as possible, so it wouldn't fuck up my trip.
i found myself outside on the back deck by myself a lot, watching the thunder and lightening. i guess right after u hear something like that all you can think of is if they are watching you or not, if they know that you know.. i felt like he was there that night, in some weird way.. sorry for being gay everyone, but it was freaky.
the next day jeni and casey came to pick me up from the house in newport cuz jeni passed her state board and was now a certified stylist, so they were having a kegger for her. i had to go. so i did. it was cool, i got to see my friends, but the thought of tinky winky would not leave my head. so i took a valium and drank as much as i could so i wouldnt be so upset. unfortunately all that got me was wicked sick. i puked all night and in the morning, it was not fun whatsoever. i went to jeni's with her in the morning and passed out. jen came to get me later so we could head back to school.
then i realized, hey, i really wanna go to dan's wake. so we decided we would stay till tuesday, and go. so i slept at jen's sunday night and we went into tech on monday. i saw my sophomore's and i acquired a picture of dan. i also got into a fight with stacy lavin cuz she was making fun of lil ham, and we all know that that is not allowed.
monday night i stayed at tara's with briana and tara. higgs hooked us up with an 1/8 and we hung out at tara's mom's house and had some fun with that. we decided that we should save some for tuesday since it was gonna be such a hard day.
tuesday morning. dressed up in black. papa wetherbee and sharon picked us up and brought us to the funeral home in marstons mills. it was crazy. no parking anywhere... a line to get in.. amazing. as soon as i got out of the car, cap saw me and came over and gave me a big hug and started crying saying how hard it was. at that point i was not even sure i could go in. but i did. and saw joe and alymer first. they hugged me and alymer called me tits to lighten the mood. because of the overwhelming amount of people, we had to go downstairs and listen to the service thru a speaker. the dad spoke first and made everyone ball. i didnt cry as hard as i could of until his sister nikki, whom i am friends with, started to read her poem she wrote for him. it was so hard. everyone was miserable. these little kids that i saw at school and at the mall were all just a buncha wrecks. no one could believe. i am not sure i still can. i think that was one of the hardest things to ever have to deal with. when your 15 year old friend hangs himself in his front yard.. how do you react to that? i am not sure i can or will ever get over it. over a week later and i still tear up over it everytime i think about it. we went to the burial after that in bourne.. same place pa is buried. cap gave all of msc a rose and we all placed them on top of tinky winky's box (he was creamated) at the same time. i went back to his box later when i saw his ex-gf from about a year and a half ago and gave her a hug. then i took my punk-like bracelet off and put it ontop of all the flowers, i wanted him to have something from me. then ma dukes called me aside and gave me 3 percosets... that was cool.
on the way i called stephanie viva cuz she was working on the rose and asked her to play a song in memory of dan. she played somewhere out there by our lady peace. look up the words, they peirced thru me like a fucking knife. it was so sad.
needless to say when we got home we smoked 6 bowls. hehe. and then we ate a lot. then i had to come back to school. i took that picture of tinky winky and put it on the back of my cigarette pack, and i put it on every cigarette pack, cuz i will never forget him. p.s. if anyone has access to another picture of him, send it to me cuz i ripped that one a little.
classes sucked when i got back. and i was just really sad. i found out all the things i was failing. it sucks. i hafta buckle down now. thursday night everyone got fucked up 'cept for me cuz i had a 9 o clock class i had to make. then i came home again.
my neurotic parents decided to be overly nice and let me have the house for the weekend, have people over, eat what i wanted to, and have my cell phone back. nuts. this weekend i got wicked fucked up.. hehe bahama mama and lots o' pot can do that i suppose. peter byland is funny when he is drunk. and thus, sara got drunk again too.. havent partied with her since my b-day, it was awesome. tim was there too.. i fucking love tim. eddie came saturday night out of guilt... too bad, but at least he came i guess.
sunday it was time to back to school again. we got up to exit 20 and jen says "wanna go see jordan rutherford?" and of course i did, so we got off at the masspike and went for it. of course we got lost. so what happened? i had to drive in boston cuz jen was not feeling it. greg willmont gave us directions and it was no problem after that. we got there with intentions of leaving at 6am so i could get back for my 9 am class. haha i know what you guys are thinking, and you're right, i didnt make it. we stayed up, downloaded songs, and watched boogie nights. at 6am we decided we were staying, so me and jen passed out in jordan's bed and left at like 12 or something. i drove back without needing directions or anything... go me. we stopped for lunch in leominster and them we came back here. i never made it to my 4 o'clock class either, but thats cuz i was registering.
i left my student id at home so my mom called and said she would send it to me. we had a heart to heart so she is sending me money too, and said i coould come home for 4 c's next year.. and i think thats what i'm gonna do.. and get myself a place.. if i can afford it. she is so weird, one minute nice, one minute crazy. hey whatever, it gets me money right? oh yah, and the cheer connection is now officially open. yay.
tuesday night me and jen were coming back from the caf when we saw dannielle, eli, and katie about to go somewhere. dannielle asked us if we wanted to come get sam with them in keene. then realized there wouldnt be enough room for us all. katie volunteered to stay, and she was cool about it, so i dont know why. then eli said something about her that i couldnt hear, and dannielle freaked out and told him to stop talking. made me wonder. knowing eli, he didnt shut up and wanted to know why he couldnt tell me and jen. he said he already told like 20 people, but dannielle was the only one that knew from katie's end. i was wondering what could be being kept from me and jen. then i figured, they wouldnt keep anything from jen cuz she never hangs out, so it musta been me. at this point i leaned over to jen and said "wow, katie fooled around with justin and now they are keeping it from me." at the same time i said that dannielle leaned over and told eli not to say anything cuz i liked justin and they didnt want me to get upset. dannielle got outta the car to pump gas, big mistake, eli told me what he wanted ot tell me. i informed him that i figured it out, and that yes i liked justin, but i liked him the same way i like all the other attractive nice guys.. i totally downplayed it cuz eli has a big mouth. apparently thursday night, when i was HERE they got drunk and fooled around. shitty.
i didnt tell dannielle i knew until yesterday when she was wondering what was wrong with me. i told her she knew. i cried cuz no one has ever done to me before what katie had done. especially after all the shitty things going on in my personal life, not to mention my lack of self esteem.. it takes a real moron to do something like that. dannielle talked to me about it. everything is cool between me and her, but not me and katie. she hasnt tried talking to me yet.. and i dont know if i will wanna ever talk to her again. she is the only person, since i have been here, that has succeeded in making me feel like shit. i never thought someone i considered a good friend would do that to me, or keep it from me. and any of you that think she has no right to feel bad can fucking lick my balls. i was debating punching that little virgin in her face so she understands how bad this hurts me. oh well.. score one more point for the better looking.
so this is where i stand. upset. lonely. sucking. the reg i guess. i wanna try to stop eating solid food so i dont gain weight anymore. man i wish i could be wiped off the face of this earth sometimes. fuck fake people. nothing but a waste of time. and if u got this far into this ridiculously long entry, then i probably consider u one of my good friends, cuz i dont know who else would wanna put themselves thru something like this.
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