May 17th, 2004 - "its that time of year again"

here i am at work. i wanted so badly to finish me other entry last night but nan and brenda came home and fucked everything up for me. i was just gonna comment on how it was that time of year again.
i thought the winter made me depressed and wanting to kill myself, but i realized its actually this time of year that does it to me worse than any other. you know what time i am talking about ladies. swimsuit weather. uh.
so i realized.. i suck. i mean, i want to be awesome. and its not like i am a gross fat chic. gross as in dirty, not ugly. at least i shower, wash my clothes, have some fashion sense wether it be bad or not, and wear make up and do things with my hair.. sometimes. regardless tho, the rest of my body throws off how i could be looking.
i have tried atkins. i actually did it. i am on and off it so much tho that it basically does nothing. waste of time. and the only time i have for excersizing is after work, and thats the last thing i want to be doing after work. i am lazy, this i know. thats why i am getting diet pills soon. and its shitty right cuz the only reason i even care so much is that everyone is so skinny and so much better looking and if they dont already have boyfriends then they will coming the summertime. and i won't. i will just drive around in my car while guys stare at my friends like i always do. not like i am pissed at my friends for it, they cant help the fact that im gross. however they do like to lie to me a lot about it and i dont appreciate that. i just need something i guess. and i feel like if its not a boy, and its not soon, i am gonna go crazy. not like i would even know what to do with a boyfriend if i had one at this point, its been so long. i just want someone really nice. unfortunately everyone i know that loves me and thinks im great or whatever, only are into my personality, cuz, as you all know, i have nothing else to offer. grotesque.
sorry about this. forget it. ha.
zoe is talking to me. i miss her. but she doesnt get it. wether she realizes it or not, we are being phased out for her new life. and wether i realize it or not, i am doing my best to phase her out too, so it won't hurt anymore. yeah.
things are weird. and whats not weird kinda sucks. and whats good is few and far between. everyone else seems to be a lot happier cuz of weather tho. i wish i loved it as much as everyone else. ahh. shoot me. <3>