Thursday, August 20, 2009

September 30th, 2002 - "shadows aren't fun"

i miss things. i don't like college anymore. i don't like people anymore. i can tell you this however...this is not a feeling i developed overnight. i miss cape cod and high school. i miss my friends. i miss my old friends. you know...it always gets worse before it gets better, its true. funny, when i was on cape and i saw eddie and robbie staring at my car, i leaned over and said "how's it going guys" and eddie told peter von that i told him off. wow. i mean i could have, i probably should have, but i am nice and that's what i get for it. now. virginity. i didn't know it was a disease and it was so important to get rid of. i have little self respect but even i was in love with my first 3 partners. man. thats sad. i mean i had high expectations for tara even tho she didnt have them for herself. i wanted her to come to this college with keri, to make something of her life. i was worried about her. she really did just wanna give it up to whoever, whenever, i never thought it would happen like that. especially since the guy is like 23 and wanted to screw me for the longest time...ugh. its really too bad...when it was right it would have happened...blah. none of my business anymore so fuck it. i was thinking how bad i need to drop out of school and go back to cape cod and settle down at some desktop publishing joint and try to be independent. then i realized, i couldnt shake it by myself. i live in everyone else's shadows. i have an identity going for me, but only my friends know it. no one up here knows the real me. except jen and kelcey. and i am not even sure kelcey understands me anymore. i dont think she has in a longtime. this is the point in my life where i really wanna kill myself because i literally feel like i have nothing to live for. dont be mad erin...lol i love you, and i would never kill myself (sorry guys) cuz i am too much of a pussy but i am not sure what i should do. i have a goal and that is to graduate college and get a good job, i made a silent promise to my grandfather of that before he died. i am a shithead. i dont know. i just wish i had money so i could just sit in my car and do drugs and feel good all the time and not hafta deal with anything. oh yah and where are the guys at? i was told when i got to college that i would meet new people and find guys..i think i have met or at least seen all the guys here so far that are worth it and...nothing. yup thats the way it was destined for me. alone. maybe its because as my mom so bluntly told me this morning "look at yourself amanda, your huge." well its not like i didnt know it, and i am glad she told me the truth, but as you can so rightly assume, it still hurts. i am not good at anything. i am not original anymore. i used to be original. now i am hidden behind everything else. i dont know who's fault that is. the fat shields me. i should die. haha. wouldnt that be the salvation i need..ew. i had god words. i need money. if i had money i would be happy i think. or at least happier. but i dont see myself happy for a longtime. i need to stop being myself and try something else for a change. i am starving but i shouldnt eat, i dont have any food in this room, my class runs thru dinner, and i dont need to eat anyway cuz i may gain even more weight and they would hafta roll me to my classes. neat. why couldnt i have been born with one redeeming quality that could get me guys, and if not guys then friends, real friends. i mean i have some real friends, but not as many as i used to. fuck me the world is wrong. i am gonna bury my sorrows in my cherry charmer after IC class...yay

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