November 21st, 2002 - "longtime"

i havent actually typed in a livejournal for a longtime. man i miss the cape. i know i am there every weekend but its totally a different ballgame when u dont live there everyday anymore. i need to come back. the good news is i am thinking to transferring to umass-dartmouth next year with my hetty because its closer to home. plus its nicer there and not so much a minimum security prison. i mean this is a beautiful campus... but i dont do beautiful. i do... uh... not so beautiful? so i am in the "need a boyfriend" mode to i guess... maybe its the cold weather. damn the fat! it always prevents getting ass! i had a real bad night last nite.. my aunt linda died. we were always pretty close. we knew she was dying for the past like... year and a half at least, but i feel like an asshole... i didnt even go see her like i was supposed to... i suck at life. i hafta go to the services sunday and monday.. should be extremely depressing. i hope it is a closed caskette... i cant handle that. so man its the like depressing dot com month or something. my tongue is healing and i like that. so... the biggest thing in my life... eddie messaged me. now i cant tell if he is being his selfish self and just talking to me because he is afriad of getting his ass kicked... or if he really meant his apology. i mean it seemed sincere but after all that has happened its just weird. i told him i would like for everything to be ok but he hurt me like no one ever has... repeatedly throughout the past couple years, and he knows it, he apologized for way back then too... but i am a sucker. i HATE enemies.. thats why i became friends with tweth and brianna again in the first place... but i have had a lot of people by my side when dealing with this eddie thing and it would rip them apart to see me drop it all like that and allow myself to be hurt again. altho, i think for myself. i can be civil. eddie ruined our friendship a longtime ago, thats somethign that can never be repaired, i just dont wanna hate people. it takes time out of my day to hate. but i will not let myself be hurt again. he may be a new person, but so am i, someone that is not gonna deal with it anymore. i mean i genuinely appreciate the fact that he got up the nerve to apologize, and i will talk to him, and i will be niceto him, but i dont kno if we can ever have what we used to. he seemed very happy when talkin to me last nite... i dont know i am so confused..too many things happening at once i guess.. i skipped my 7th science class today (only allowed to miss 5) and my like 10th sociology (only allowed to miss 3) whatever i am failing anyway..and that class sucks.. i am hungry and i wanna eat... i need quarters to do laundry... i dont have any... i cant shower w/out doing laundry cuz i have no clean clothes, and i cant do laundry before class cuz there isnt enough time.. ew i am gonna be a scrub for like 3 hours i guess..ugh.. i am hoping to get drunk tonite THIRSTY THURSDAY.. kelley, tim, ryan, and others were pretty cocked last nite... tim was singing and stroking me... i love my little gay boyfriend.. if only he didnt love the cock!! man oh man all the good ones love the fucking cock..geez..i am sucking on ice again, i woke up with some vomit-like taste in my mouth and the room smells like bad meat... get me out of here. me and jen need to go to walmart today.. its pertinent..i need some weed too... far more pertinent.. mike is coming to spend the weekend with me.. i am so happy! and i am in love with justin..shh its a secret.. ok well this is a long boring entry for all of u but leave me feedback so i feel special and maybe i will write again.. bye